My House Is All Covered in Pee...

This is where the pee goes kids!

Inspired by Julia Donaldson's brilliant 'A Squash and a Squeeze' I have penned this tale of toilet training...

My House Is All Covered in Pee

A happy mum lived with her toddler & spouse
in a nice smelling street, in a sweet smelling house.
Potty training began... now no sign of her spouse(?!)
and there's pee all over her house.

She said "Wise Mumsnet won't you help me please, my house is all covered in pee."

"Try lots of praise." said the online gang.
Try lots of praise? What a curious plan.
So she showered her toddler with positive praise
and the pees went into the potty for days.
But the toddler rebelled and began raising hell
he peed in the kitchen and hallway aswell.
I'm losing the will here, I'm down on my knees 
my house is all covered in pee.

She said "Wise Mumsnet won't you help me please, my house is all covered in pee."

"try chocolate buttons" said the online gang.
Try chocolate buttons? What a curious plan.
So she handed out choc for each trip to  the pan
and the pees and the poos went according to plan.
But the toddler got bored & kept wanting more,
he peed on the sofa and peed on the floor.
I'm losing my mind here, I'm down on my knees.
My house is all covered in pee.

She said "Wise Mumsnet won't you help me please, my house is all covered in pee.

"Try rewards!" said the online gang.
Try rewards? What a curious plan.
So she got a rewards chart, star stickers galore.
The toddler got stickers and prizes and more.
But he didn't care and became a right mare.
By this time she'd pee on her clothes and her hair.

"I'm going to go mental, I'm down on my knees.
My house is all covered in pee."

And she said "Ignore Mumsnet, i'll listen to me, cause my house is all covered in pee."

Can I put the kid out in the garden? I can!
Put the kid out? What a wonderful plan!
Now the toddler is peeing and pooing with gusto
all over the garden, but it was a must- oh!
He's a little bit feral but not at all bored
and she waves from the window, thumbs up from the door.

I'm a genius, I'm thrilled, yes I'm ever so pleased,
my house doesn't smell of the pee.

Yes she's a genius, she's thrilled, she's ever so pleased, 
her house doesn't smell of the pee.

Psst I Love Gardening... But Don't Tell Anyone Okay!?

It has been all change for Lindsey Fontaine since I last posted to my blog Things from the Brain of Lindsey Fontaine. I am (inevitably) older but unfortunately not wiser. The old brain these days is less of a steel trap and more of a rusty gate hanging off its hinges. 

I now have a little Fontaine bombing about the place. This could be why my brain has suffered... with the constant vigilance required in keeping her safe from the world (specifically traffic) and keeping the world safe from her (specifically ants). I have also had a small, quiet mid life crisis. Which has led to quite a rigorous program of reading, yoga, walking and gardening. (Could have been worse!?) So as you can imagine this new blog is going to be a hoot!

To  be fair I have always enjoyed the more mundane things in life... I am now starting to grow into the age I have always been inside. Mind you Amazon's algorithm clearly has me pegged as a man in his sixties the way they bombard me with weedkiller and shoehorns as products inspired by my shopping trends. I blame my penchant for Poirot.

So if the ramblings of a pedantic, Agatha Christie fan in her late 30's (going on 60's) is your thing, watch this space because you are in for a treat!